Question:
My 12 soon to be 13 year old daughter has started to be very rude to both me and her dad. We have tried to use calm tones explaining to her that this is not acceptable behavior. She slams doors and always has a smart mouth response. We have taken away privileges like computer time. This punishment doesn't seem to help her attitude toward us. What do we do to get the point across that she can have an opinion just not an attitude.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Donna Secor Pennington, LMSW, has been a school social worker at the high school level for twenty years and has been an advocate for programs and services for teens and parents. She answers:
You may know that some disrespectful or rebellious behavior is not uncommon in young adolescents who are beginning to strive for independence from their parents. I would, however, want to consider whether her irritability is a sign that she is struggling in some other area of her life, such as at school or with her peers.
If she seems to be doing reasonably well in her adjustment outside of the home, try to think about addressing her behavior, rather than her "attitude," since behavior is easier to define and might be easier for her to control. I suggest "picking your battles" and starting with one behavior at a time, such as the door slamming or raising her voice. Try providing a short-term positive incentive such as extra computer time or a bonus to her allowance for each day that she avoids this behavior. This could be combined with the loss of computer time when the behavior does occur. Although teens may not respond immediately to positive or negative consequences, they will generally be effective in the long run when parents are firm and consistent. Allowing your daughter to have some input regarding the consequences could also be helpful. This shows that you recognize that she is growing up!