Question:
I have 4 children My oldest is 17 in a few months to be 18 He gets honor roll and is very respectful..except when it comes to getting a job. We have tried everything..or at least everything we can think of ..short of kicking him out. I and my husband are fully capable of tough love but Could there be a mental problem to be causing this issue? ie: depression or something along this line.Answer:
Trisha Snidersich, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups.
A 17-year-old not wanting to get a job by itself does not suggest mental illness, although it could possibly be one characteristic. If your teenager is demonstrating other symptoms of depression (i.e. academic decline, problems with friends, aggressive behavior or a loss of interest in activities he once found enjoyable) then a further professional evaluation may be called for.
However, if your son is not exhibiting such indicators, he may just be going through a difficult, but normative transition period. Up until now, his primary responsibility was school and since you mention he gets on the honor role, it sounds like he’s done rather well with it. He probably became comfortable with having his needs met. After all, most of us would grow accustomed to someone else maintaining our lifestyle. Of course, this doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. You were just doing what parents are supposed to do- provide for their children.
And now, you want him to start providing more for himself. Don’t worry, his reluctance to get a job does not mean he is incapable of ever having one. He may just need some extra help with the adjustment. I would suggest speaking with him and outlining a plan to help him succeed. You can decide on an order of expenses that he will become responsible for over a set period of time. Perhaps begin with something like starting two months from now, he will have to cover all of his hanging out with friends expenses. And maybe two months after that, he will have to buy his own clothes or you will only pay for a base amount and he covers anything beyond that. Other expenses might include his cell phone bill or car insurance and some parents start charging a manageable rent for children out of high school. You have to decide what you’re comfortable with and what the goals are for your family. The most important thing is that you must be able to stick to whatever you say to him. You can’t say you’ll charge rent if it’s not something you will be able to follow through on. Different families have different values and that’s okay. One family may not believe in charging a fee to their child for their room and another may not want to possibly sacrifice having a cell phone bill go unpaid if that means the child may not have phone service in an emergency.
You start by conveying your clear and realistic expectations and then set your child up for success. Increasing responsibilities one at a time helps ease him through the shift from school age child to working young adult. Permitting this to happen over a period of months gives him a chance to find a job he can manage and allows him to slowly increase his hours so it’s not such a shocking change of schedule. For many first time paid employees, they quickly become empowered by having their own cash flow. Having a job increases a child’s sense of independence and agency and even if they don’t love their job, they usually love the paychecks!