Question:
My 16 year old son recently was arrested for trying to sell a controlled substance (Tyleno # 3). He is on probation for 6 months. I also know that he is sneaking and smoking. I plan on him taking Freedom From Smoking classes next week. My question is how can I learn to trust him? And, what did I do wrong in raising him? Our family does not smoke, do drugs and only occasionally has a drink. This is not how I want my son to be. I just want for him to make good decisions and I want to trust him again.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Stephen Wallace, fields questions about drugs and alcohol. Stephen Wallace is the Chairman & Chief Executive Officer of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), and has served as school psychologist, camp director, and college professor. You can read more about him on SADD's site. Stephen answers:
Your son is clearly in need of intervention as the choices he is making are putting him at risk. It may seem counter-intuitive, but being arrested could turn out to be a very lucky break for him, and for you. When young people are selling drugs, they are often using them as well. And while drug use among teens is trending downward for more traditional types of drugs, such as marijuana, it is trending upwards in other areas, such as prescription drugs (use of Oxycontin by young people increased 30 percent between 2002 and 2007, according to Monitoring the Future). Many over-the-counter drugs are also being abused, including cold and pain remedies. As to your specific questions, my guess is that you did nothing wrong! Sixteen-year-olds make many choices over which we may have influence but little control. And young people have told me through SADD's Teens Today research that they use drugs for many reasons, such as "To have fun" (46 percent), "To forget or escape problems" (43 percent), and "To fit in with friends who use drugs" (33 percent). The important thing is not assigning blame but rather figuring out the motivation behind the behavior and looking for ways to change it. As for trust, it is generally a long, slow journey to fully re-gain trust when those we love, including our children, violate it. Part of that journey has to do with your son accepting responsibility for his actions, accepting the consequences, and committing to live by family rules. If it's any consolation, you're not alone: according to Teens Today, while 95 percent of parents say they trust their teens in making decisions about drugs, only 28 percent of teens report being completely honest with parents on the issue. And that says nothing of the often elaborate steps they will take to conceal, not just lie about, their drug use. Continue to monitor your son, paying close attention to his friends, his emotional states (such as anxiety, stress, and depression) and behaviors. He is lucky to have an active, involved parent.