Question:
We have 2 children: 13 yo daughter and 11 yo son. Our daughter for the most part is a responsible child - she gets up in the morning with no problems, gets her self ready for school, keeps her room clean etc.Our son on the other hand appears very lazy at times and will not accept responsibility for simple things like taking s shower, brushing his teeth, finishing his homework, etc. I will point out one thing and that is we DO NOT compare them to each other - 'you should be more like..."
We have tried punishments like taking away his video games, TV, etc. It all works for a few days and then he's back to his grumpy self. I know my husband and I need to do a better job of being consistent with our expectations and potential consequences. But how can I get it to just "click" for our son? Aside from the laziness and irresponsibility, he's a great kid. He does good in school. But it's almost like what he is not interested in is not important. Have you brushed your teeth? Did you put your clothes in the hamper? I know I nag but honestly, if I didn't, his teeth would have rotted out by now and his room would have been condemned!
I think one of the biggest issues we have is him not accepting responsibility for his actions when something happens - like he didn't finish his homework - well, Dad wouldn't help me - or he didn't get up for school in time to watch some TV - well, you didn't wake me up in time (although we did try!).
I know my husband's expectations are higher because he was a responsible kid so he expects his sonm to be. Personally, I think our son is normal but I want to help nip this in the bud so he can be successful (both at home & school) when he starts middle school in the fall.
Any advice would be appreciated!
Thanks!
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Trisha Snidersich, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups. She answers:
I would first like to commend you on holding back with comparing your children. Helping a child to appreciate their own unique strengths, quirks and personality contributes to the development of a healthy self-esteem. Regarding your son’s behavior, you wrote that it's almost like what he is not interested in is not important. You hit the nail on the head! But, this does not doom your son to an adult life filled with rotten teeth and a condemned living space.
The first thing to consider is what age-appropriate expectations for your child are. From the behavior you described, he sounds developmentally right on. At this age, your child is beginning to mature and is going to want to exert a greater sense of control over his life. This is a good thing because you won’t always be able to tell him what he needs to do and when he needs to do it. Sometimes it is helpful to talk to the parents of your child’s friends. You can better assess the normative development of your child when you find out that many other parents are going through similar struggles.
When trying to determine appropriate areas over which to allow a child greater control, a good rule of thumb is to not battle issues of biology. You will find it increasingly difficult to force an adolescent to follow a personal hygiene regimen of your choosing, maintain particular eating habits or keep to a sleeping pattern that you think is best. It is better to rely on the natural consequences experienced outside the home first and take action if they fail. For example, if your child’s peers complain of his body odor or bad breath, he will be much more likely to take interest in his cleanliness than if he hears the same complaint from mom or dad. Plus, there are benefits for you- less nagging means that you come off looking like the good guy and there are fewer headaches for you too! Now, if your child stays up too late and can’t make it to school in the morning, then it would be time for the parent to step in. However, it is likely that a child will get up and figure out the morning routine that works for him and will get to school because that’s what other kids his age do. Regarding your son’s room, privacy will become more vital and is important to growing independence. If there are not leftovers growing mold or a situation that will invite rodents, you may want to consider allowing him to manage his room more or less as he likes.
Sometimes, it may be tough to ease up on certain things, especially since you push these issues because you care and want your child to grow up into a responsible adult. However, if you let go a little, you may give yourself the chance to be pleasantly surprised with how, over time, your child picks up where you leave off.