Question:
I have a 17 year old daughter who has met a 20 year old man. He has a criminal background, a child with someone, a child on the way and my daughter stills insists that he is a good guy and she doesn't understand why we won't allow them to see each other. The age difference and that fact that she is a junior in high school and he is 20, got a GED, doesn't work steadily, has a child, has a criminal background---doesn't seem to matter. We have grounded her and when she was ungrounded, she lied to us where she was going and snuck around to see him. Now we have taken away her cell phone, grounded her again, limited the use of her car(only used for school and work), but she is being so difficult, we would like to know if there is any way to reason with her. Her history is she is a good student, until recently but does have a tendency to want to drink alcohol. We punish her when we know about this and it is not acceptable in our house, but we are lost now...She is a good kid, but has tested us to oblivion!Answer:
Trisha Snidersich, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in work with children and adolescents. She provides individual and family therapy in addition to facilitating parenting skills groups.
It sounds like you have valid reason to be concerned, but beware because as you know, this is difficult territory and each move you make will be countered by your daughter. At this point, it sounds like this 20-year-old man has become the key to a power struggle between you and her. It is possible that this is just a part of your daughter’s rebellion, which many teenagers go through. Rebellion is one way of asserting independence as a teenager moves towards adulthood.
It may help if you take the focus off this man and place it back on what her age appropriate responsibilities are. This includes school, household tasks and work. If she is keeping up with these things, then you should support her and validate this. If not, you can take the standpoint that you cannot control her actions, but she still has to meet certain expectations. You may add that if the man she was dating cared for her, then he too would support her in things like achieving in school and maintaining her safety.
I am not recommending that you condone the relationship she is having with this man, but you don’t know if a part of this guy’s appeal is how much you can’t stand him. It wouldn’t be the first time that kind of thing happened.
This may be a case where you feel that pursuing family therapy could be helpful to facilitate communication. Or if problems persist or worsen, you may consider individual therapy for your daughter to address any issues she may be experiencing. Sometimes it is just easier for a teenager to speak with a therapist than it is to speak with her parents. It may be very hard time for you, but it is also tough for your daughter. Do your best to leave the door for communication open to her. Unfortunately, she may just need to make some mistakes and learn from them. Your support through this time will be invaluable.