Question:
REALLY long story short: My brilliant 17-year old daughter, who will be graduating in May (with Honors and full scholarships) has announced to us that she and her military boyfriend are getting married in JULY. She will be moving into military housing and going to school "on base." You can only imagine the disappointment, disapproval, and fears that we are having, as well as the TURMOIL that this has created in our home. Because we don't approve, the tension has been escalated to extremes. For example, she refers to us (me and her step-dad) as The B*tch and Fat Ba*tard. Exactly how much of this would I be expected to take before I ask her to leave NOW -- DON'T WAIT UNTIL JULY?Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Donna Secor Pennington, LMSW, has been a school social worker at the high school level for twenty years and has been an advocate for programs and services for teens and parents. She answers:
One of the most difficult aspects of parenting an older adolescent is that although your level of love and concern for your daughter remains the same as always, you have much less ability to control or influence her lifestyle or her decisions. If you have not had a conversation with her about the reasons for your concern about her marriage at such a young age, try to set the stage to have a talk with her in a calm and caring way. Teen marriages are more likely to end in divorce, and are associated with lower levels of income and educational achievement. The path that she is choosing will be a more challenging one and that is a reason for you, as her mother, to be upset. If she is determined to go through with the marriage, I would suggest that you let her know that you will accept her decision and that you hope to continue to be involved in her life.You will do your best to interact with her in a loving and respectful way and expect that she will also try to be respectful towards you and your husband. Since she is such a bright and capable young woman, there is a good chance for her to beat the odds, complete her education and have a good future in spite of her early marriage.You might help her identify ways in which she can still enroll in college or the all semester, etc. Let her know that you will be there to help and support her in her efforts. Suggest that you would like to enjoy her last weeks in your household as much as possible and that you hope she will agree .to do her part. If this approach is not successful, you always have the option to ask her to leave.