Question:
Oh gee I am wondering if I have waited too long. I divorced my children's dad in 1997 and remarried in 2002. My son has a true hatred for my husband and at first it was warranted. My husband had to learn to change his temper or he would lose me and my 2 children. His 2 children do not come around due to being teen and young adult but also because he didn't pay attention to them. My son continues to state that I am the problem and too strict. He was arrested in 6th grade for wrecking another child's bike, since then he has been pretty good except the typical he hates me and his step dad. Now that is he bigger and a lot stronger I am realizing he doesn't take me seriously. He is mad when he doesn't get his way and threatens to move in with a friend. In our state dipping under 18 is against the law and snuff was found on him at school which he was given a ticket for. Of course everyone is stupid for it. I continue to search his room for it. I have called his dad in the past for help but I am finding out he is siding with the kids. Their dad even told my husband I have to be stricter with them but then laughs behind my back. I can't afford to send him to a military or boot camp school and at this point not sure that is the correct method. His dad doesn't seen to have the time for him or rather be able to come and go as he pleases. Do I let his dad know that it is time to take responsibility for his son or what? I want me son to be safe and happy. I know he is not happy here and at this point truly hates me. I don't want him to have a lasting hate for me as I love him with my whole heart. If I thought it was just my husband I would have divorced my husband. I don't believe that is the real problem. Confused, hurt and scared.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Stephen Wallace, fields questions about drugs and alcohol. Stephen Wallace is the Chairman & Chief Executive Officer of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), and has served as school psychologist, camp director, and college professor. You can read more about him on SADD's site. Stephen answers:
It's never too late to work towards improving our relationships with our children and finding more effective ways to communicate with and counsel them - even if at times it seems like an uphill climb. Obviously, family changes, such as divorces and remarriages, pose some challenges. They represent non-normative (unpredictable) stressors for all members of a family, each of whom may react in different ways. Many times those reactions manifest in acting out, disrespect, and substance use and abuse. While it may be difficult to achieve, your son will benefit most from a unified front on the part of all of the "parental adults" in his life his stepfather included. Perhaps most important however, is that you and his dad agree on a set of expectations for your son and the consequences that will be enforced should he fail to meet them. Young adults do want to know where the lines are and tell me, through SADD's Teens Today research, that they want to be held accountable when they break the rules. "Rules provide structure and predictable outcomes for mis-behavior." Each, in turn, help kids to feel safe and, sometimes, more in control - although that may seem counter-intuitive. Work with your ex-husband, including your son and his step-father in the process, to establish some family rules that everyone understands and agrees to and then stick to them. Don't give up and certainly don't assume your son hates you, regardless of how he is acting now.