Question:
Our daughter has a boyfriend who controls every move she makes. We no longer approve of the relationship and explained (in a talking discussion) why it was unhealthy for her. She is 15 and rebelling. The problem is that she will not hear as if she cannot understand why this is bad for her. She also has another family so has tried to excape over there to sneak to see him. They agreed with our point of view and so did the boys' parents. How can we help them understand? We have put so many restrictions to stop the relationship but I fear they have crossed the sexual line and will no longer hear us? Should we let them fall before they will learn? Will they continue to rebell? I fear she has lost her mind so deep into this, she may try to escape and get pregnant to try to be with him. What do we do?Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Elizabeth M. Casparian, Ph.D. is Director of Educational Programs at HiTOPS in Princeton, NJ, where she and her staff provide educational programs to teens and parents throughout New Jersey. She answers:
Unfortunately, a parent's attempt to control or limit a teen's behavior will often backfire and create a bigger rift between parent and child. It is great that you and her other family are joining forces since you will need to be on the same page around this issue. If she can manipulate the situation, she probably will. If all of you are working in her best interests and communicating with one another, then you will have more success keeping her safe.
Here are some suggestions that might help. First, address that you recognize the importance of this relationship to your daughter - no matter how you feel about it, this is a critical and important person to her and nothing you can say is going to make her stop caring about him and your disapproval will likely lead to more rebellion. You can tell her that it is your job as parents to worry about her and protect her. Even though she is getting older and able to care for herself, old habits die hard and you cannot help yourself when your instinct tells you that there might be cause for concern. If there are very specific things that the boyfriend does that send up red flags for you, then those are the ones you can point out, the more specific and clear the better. When your boyfriend does X, I worry that Y, is a good way to phrase it so that it will be hard for her to argue that it is not happening.
You can let her know that it will be easier for you to feel comfortable with him and you will be able to trust both of them, if you can see her doing some things that make it clear that she is not being controlled by him or pressured by him. Asking her to spend some time with other friends, asking him to spend some time with you and your family (rather than only alone with her) and making an effort to get to know him better will all help you feel less worried. Both families can request that this young couple spend more time doing family activities and letting the families get to know him, etc. If he is really a good guy, then helping you feel more comfortable with him will be something he will be eager to do. If he is unwilling, then you can point that out to your daughter that this is a concern for you and she needs to think about why he might not be willing to help you feel confident about such an important relationship in her life.
In the end, children at this age need to develop relationships on their own and sometimes this means that they will make mistakes and have to learn (even painfully) from them. This is not easy for a parent to watch, but it is part of letting your child growing up. Your job will be to keep your eyes open for serious danger signs and to help pick up the pieces when the relationship ends - and NEVER to say, "I told you so."
Warning: If his behavior is such that you feel she is being emotionally or physically abused, then you will need to take more direct action. If she cannot go out, make phone calls, see her friends and/or participate in activities that once gave her pleasure because he will not allow it, then she may be experiencing intimate partner violence (IPV) or harassment. Do a web search of "intimate partner violence" and look for resources in your area. Show your daughter one of the available Web sites about IPV, show her the warning signs and ask her if they seem familiar. Let her know that she may be in danger and that you want to help.