Question:
I am having a problem communicating with my 13-year-old son. I feel like I'm coming down on him all the time and I am starting to feel a rift in our relationship. For instance, he wants to hang out with his skating friends in a place I consider dangerous (along a canal bank that has a concrete drain, great for skating I guess). I found that he had cans of spray paint in a backpack that he was carrying for water to this spot. I have had a call already from a police officer because he was caught smoking at the movies. His grades are dropping and I feel like I am losing him. I'm not sure how to handle this. Am I being too rigid? HELP.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Dr. Michael Schwartzman is a family therapist in New York City and the co-author of "The Anxious Parent". He answers:
I would reframe your question. My son is having difficulty "doing the right thing. " Recently he was caught smoking and his grades are dropping. I feel like I am losing him. Our communication is problematic. etc. I think you are being like all good parents. Taking a strong look at yourself and wondering what else you might do to help your son do better. In reality, as I would see it, you are probably terrific and it is your son who is going through his changes and is learning how not to monitor his own behavior and is then getting into trouble as a result. Try sitting him down and asking him about himself, angling towards asking him to describe what was going on when he got into his difficulties. Try to help him not feel defensive by asking for descriptions and withholding your judgement. If and when he can't, tell him that you are trying to understand what is going on for him so you can decide what kind of consequence he needs.(He definitely needs consequences.) Hopefully he will be reasonable and describe a reasonable picture and understanding of what he did and what he might do differently next time. Otherwise the consequence needs to be tighter until he can take ownership of his issues and work on them. He might need outside help. All depending, you might too, as the mother of a difficult child. But remember, this is not about you and what you are doing. It is about choices he is making and consequences he needs so he can become more reflective and better regulated.