Question:
I have a 13 year old son who is getting a little unruly. He has always been a very good kid, And is doing very well in school. Here lately when I ask him to do something he gets an attitude like how dare I ask him to do something. And when I say " Michael" all he has to say is "Mamma", like he is challenging me to see how far I will go. I do not spank my kids and I do not want to spank him because he has always been good. And I feel bad to have to punish him. He is not the only child -- I have a 12 year old and a 10 year old, all boys-- he is sending them the wrong message. How can I punish him and not feel bad?Answer:
ParentingTeensExpert, Donna Secor Pennington, LMSW, has been a school social worker at the high school level for twenty years and has been an advocate for programs and services for teens and parents. She answers:
It does sound as if your son is challenging you or testing the limits and the good news/bad news is that this is a normal phase of development in teenagers. It is important for you to make it clear to him, however, that although he is getting older, there will still be limits in terms of his behavior, including responding to you in a respectful way. Without clear limits that are enforced, teenagers will only increase their inappropriate behaviors. Rather than thinking of your response as punishing, think of it as providing consequences that will help with your son's healthy development . These consequences can be both positive and negative. You have been wise to avoid spanking since it has not been proven to be effective in changing behavior and often makes matters worse.
It will help to clearly define the behavior that you expect, for example, how you would expect him to respond when you say, Michael or what you mean by "unruly." If he responds in the way you ask for a period of time, such as a few days or a week, there could be a positive consequence such as the opportunity to invite a friend over, rent a DVD, etc. If he fails to respond in that way, he would lose a privilege such as being able to play video games, watch television, etc. Negative consequences do not need to be severe and should be short term, a day or two or a week at most. Be sure to "pick your battles" and work on one or two behaviors at a time. Your younger sons will benefit from the expectations that you establish for their brother. Be confident that you are doing the right thing!