Question:
My son, who is 13, decided to go live with his father in Nov. 2006. In my mind I think they brain washed him a little bit about how much better it would be to live there than to live with me. Since that time, he has become a very different person than he was when he lived with me, which was for twelve years mind you. He is very disrespectful to me, very distant, uncommunicative, and just judging by the way he acts when he is asked to do a chore, and I mean something very simple, his response is usually something in the ballpark of, that he doesn't have to do anything at his dads. He is always wanting ME to make is little snacks, when in my mind he is quite old enough to do so. Especially since he is able so bake cookies that are pre-made in a package when he is here. Basically, he never ever used to have those kind of attitudes when he was with me. There is ALOT of family, aunts, uncles, two younger brothers from different fathers, and a grandma that love him with all their heart when he comes to visit. He was the first grandchild out of twelve so he is a very very special boy in this family. On his dads side he is the only grandchild and his dads only son. He has a stepmom that likes to do whatever she can to make things difficult for me for some reason. I am not sure if it is because her children do not want to live with her or what. Anyhow, PLEASE if you can give me any advice on how to get him back on track with me and gain his respect and love..please let me know.. I love my boy with all my heart..CGAnswer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Donna Secor Pennington, LMSW, has been a school social worker at the high school level for twenty years and an advocate for programs and services for teens and parents. She answers:
Changes in custody are not unusual with teenagers in divorce situations. The "grass may look greener" at the other parent's house or teens may wish for the opportunity to live with their same sex parent. I am confident that your son still loves you, but he may be frustrated or confused by his situation or things that have been said to him. He is also at the age where some questioning of authority, resistance to chores and disrespectful behavior occurs with many teens, regardless of divorce or custody issues. If your goal is to work towards reestablishing a more positive relationship with your son, it is up to you to take the lead. Look for opportunities to have positive interactions with him. For example, next time he is hungry for a snack, offer to bake those cookies with him. It can be challenging, although not impossible, for mothers to come up with activities to share with their teenage sons, but perhaps you can come up with such a shared interest. It could be helping him fix up his room, taking him, and perhaps sometimes a friend, to a movie or sporting event, taking him to lunch at a favorite restaurant, etc. Be as creative as you can and try to avoid arguing and criticism during these times. You might also enlist the help of some of your relatives in spending some quality time with him.
In terms of his behavior and discipline matters, it would be ideal if you and his father and stepmother could agree on some expectations for his behavior and some consistent consequences for both households. If that isn't possible, pick only a couple of behaviors to start with, such as using respectful language with you and picking up after himself. Try to ignore the rest for awhile. In keeping with the goal of being positive, focus on positive consequences for his behavior, i.e., he can earn a privilege or small reward for a day or weekend of using more respectful language. It is hard for the "part-time parent" to address behavioral issues during short visits, but do your best! Most importantly, hang in there and don't give up. If you can be patient and loving, as well as firm and consistent, your efforts should pay off. Please don't hesitate to seek out a therapist or parenting group if you need additional support.