Question:
I am the mother of a 17 year old daughter. We are a very Christian oriented family. I also have 3 sons, 10, 11, 13. They are very good children and are never in trouble, have never done drugs, alcohol or run around doing bad things at home or school. My daughter has come to me and her dad and has confided in us that she is bisexual. As far as I am aware she is still a virgin and has told us so. But she says she is more attracted to girls than guys. Am I over reacting as far as feeling shocked and disappointed? Do you think it's a phase she is going through? I must say I am at a loss for words and she asked me not to hate her or be disappointed. But I am and I do not know the right words to say to her without pushing her away. I told her I wasn't totally approving of this and asked her why she came to this decision. Can you shed some light on this for me or guide me in a direction that I can find the right way to approach this? I lost a lot of sleep last night over this issue.Thank you for your consideration.
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Elizabeth M. Casparian, Ph.D. is Director of Educational Programs at HiTOPS in Princeton, NJ, where she and her staff provide educational programs to teens and parents throughout New Jersey. She answers:
First, it is a credit to both you and your husband that your daughter trusted you and came to you with this very significant disclosure. For many young people, fear of losing their parents love and support or even fear of violence keeps them from being able to share this part of themselves with their parents. Clearly your daughter knows that she is loved and valued something your good parenting instilled in her.
Many, many parents who have children who disclose their bisexuality or homosexuality to them feel many different things, ranging from deep disappointment, disgust, fear, confusion, anger to understanding, acceptance and comfort. Your daughter knows you well, and so I am sure she was expecting you to have a strong reaction. It is most important to let her know that she is loved and that you will not withdraw that love. The next steps will be for you and your husband to find support in developing an understanding of what your daughter's sexual orientation means to you, to her and to your family in general. While there are certainly people who go through phases of exploring their sexual orientation, your best bet is to believe that what your daughter shared with you is a fact and NOT something that will change. If you operate with the idea that she might "change her mind" she will begin feeling that your love and support is conditional and will pull away from you. Her disclosure to you is her way of telling you that she wants you to know who she is and be a part of her life and the things that are important to her. Sexual orientation, gay, straight or bisexual, is not something we CHOOSE, it is something we ARE.
It is appropriate for you and your husband to need support from someone else in order to be a good and positive support to your daughter. You need to deal with your own reactions and feelings and figure out how to work through them - you have a right to whatever you feel, but it is best to deal with them without imposing them on your daughter. There is an organization called PFLAG, (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays - www.pflag.org) which offers support for parents who are going through this "coming out" process with their children. Your church may also have support for helping parents cope with their feelings after a child comes out. Please steer yourself away from any programs or organizations that attempt to change your daughter's sexual orientation. These programs show no evidence of actually working and can actually cause shame, self-hate and trauma. You run the strong risk of putting an irreparable rift between your daughter and yourselves if you suggest that she participate in one of these programs. There are many good Christian gay men, lesbians and bisexuals. This young woman you have raised is the same well-behaved, loving, daughter she was before she told you about her sexual orientation, and her bravery in telling you is no small thing. Work to find ways to use this as an opportunity to learn together as a family and strengthen the bonds between you all. With time, patience, faith and good support this can be done.