Question:
My son , who is now 16, and larger than me, still likes to wrestle with me. This was fun when he was younger and smaller, but now sometimes he hurts me. I've tried to tell him we can't wrestle anymore, but it starts out as teasing and then escalates. I'm usually the one who ends up with the bruises. I just can't make him understand this isn't fun for me anymore. What do I say or do to get through to him? My husband says to ignore him when he starts teasing. I think this is how my son shows affection because we always wrestled when he was younger. Can you help me out here?Answer:
ParetingTeensOnline expert, Daniel Reirden, M.D., is Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at The University of Colorado School of Medicine Children's Hospital. He answers:
Adolescence is a time of enormous change. No two teens seem to progress through their development in exactly the same fashion. Often boys retreat to their rooms and don’t reemerge or engage with their parents until young adulthood is reached. The fact that your son wants to maintain a playful relationship with you suggests to me that he respects you and values your role in his life. In our society, boys and young men can have a difficult time finding acceptable ways to express affection or emotion that doesn’t jeopardize their sense of perceived masculinity. The wrestling is a safe way for your son to express affection, but it is no longer physically safe for you. You need to have a frank conversation with your son about how much you enjoyed this play when he was younger, but you need to find a new way of showing each other how much you care. Sometimes teens need concrete examples to fully grasp a concept. Perhaps, a current picture of the two of you next to other can highlight the size differences. It sounds like you’re grieving a bit over the loss of your “little” son. Tell him how much these past times meant to you, but acknowledge that he is nearing manhood and you need to find different ways to enjoy each others company. Ask him for suggestions, to replace the wrestling. Recognize that your son may also be experiencing some conflict regarding his transition from boy to man—engaging in what was a fun time with mom as a boy connects him to his past. So when he starts the teasing that has lead to the wrestling in the past, it’s your job to firmly set the limit and remind him of your conversation.