Question:
Recently my daughter was arrested in Manhattan, smoking pot . It was a total shock! My husband and I are grappling with the trust issues, actually more than the pot issues. How does one appropriate a consequence that has a connection to the offense? She's a good kid - got her ED at Hampshire for next fall/Nat. Honor Soc, Honor Roll. Though she confesses to smoking a few other times(not in the city in broad daylight!), she hasn't ever been in trouble. With college in the fall, we feel it's important to re-establish trust before she goes away. There's a trip to Greece with her class. Do we take that away as punishment or give her the responsibility of going and staying out of trouble? Thank you for any help you can give.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert, Stephen Wallace, fields questions about drugs and alcohol. Stephen Wallace is the Chairman & Chief Executive Officer of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), and has served as school psychologist, camp director, and college professor. You can read more about him on SADD's site. Stephen answers:
The issue of trust is among the most difficult to navigate. When the kids we love disappoint us, it hurts – and often makes us question our effectiveness in guiding them. A common response is What did I do (or not do) that would result in this flagrant disregard of my wishes? You are not alone in your frustration. Consider for example, that while almost all high school teens (89 percent) say it is important to them to have their parents’ trust, considerably less than half (40 percent) are completely forthcoming about their behavior, according to Teens Today research from SADD.
So, what to do? Re-establishing trust before your daughter sets sail for college is a great goal. Once there, she will likely have almost-unrestricted freedoms and opportunities to make good or poor choices. Having an open, honest discussion about family values, expectations, and consequences is an important step on the road to a mutually respectful, and trusting, relationship. Young people tell us that they want to know where their parents stand on issues like drug use and that they are less likely to engage in unsafe, inappropriate, and illegal behavior when they know what’s expected of them. As for Greece … that’s a tough call. Either approach makes sense so I would make that decision part of the discussion with your daughter and decide together.