Question:
At the beginning of the school year we moved to a different state with our three teenagers. The oldest had just graduated from high school, our middle daughter was entering the 11th grade, and our son beginning the 9th grade.Immediately our 11th grader determined she didn't want to go to the new school. She refused to get out of bed. She missed several weeks, we talked to the school staff, and ultimately got her into school. Things were fine... that is until after the Christmas break.
Now she once again refuses to go to school, will not even speak with us, locks herself in her room, and won't get out of bed. When we try to talk to her, she just covers her head and refuses to talk. We have talked about getting her to go to the doctor, but can't get any response from her. We are at our wits end.
Do we physically pick her up, put her in the car and take her to a doctor? I know if we do, there will be a big fight, crying, yelling, etc. It will be a phically fight to get her out of the house, in the car, and into the doctor.
However, I don't really know of an alternative. Are their therapists that make house calls? Even so, I'm sure she will lock the door and refuse to speak or cooperate.
She has no problems with drugs, her grades, while not great, were average. The only comments we got from her during the first semester was that she "couldn't make friends."
She doesn't have any phsicaly problems or issues such as problems with weight, other health problems, etc. She is an extremely attractive young lady, but we cannot and do not know how to deal with her depression.
Please help! Thanks
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Lisa Machoian, Ed.D. is the author of "The Disappearing Girl: Learning the Language of Teenage Depression", and a national expert on teenagers, their mental health, psychosocial development, and self-esteem. She answers:
Friends are the world to teenagers, and it sounds like not having friends, combined with the move, have made her life feel unbearable and precipitated depression. She endured a huge and significant loss at a critical developmental time. I think you need to get her to a psychotherapist that works with teenagers. I don't know if there are some in your area that come to the house--that could be rare. However, there might be some who could start by speaking with her on the phone. You may want to find a few names and let her see who she feels comfortable with, but she needs to go. Moreover, a teen group, (group psychotherapy for teens,) would also help because she could make friends and not feel so alone. She is contending with issues of belonging and acceptance. Are there extracurricular activities or sports or dance or anything she did before that she could enroll in now? Church or temple groups? Validate her feelings about how hard it is, but do get her to therapy as it sounds like her depression is really spiraling. And help her to find friends. Kids are not too welcoming and often have pre-formed groups and cliques, so this is extremely hard for her. If she is alone all day and sits in the cafeteria alone, she is going to be depressed. Ask the guidance counselors at her school if there are any other girls or boys her age in a similar transition, contending with loss and making new friends. Remind her of her strength, and make sure she can keep in touch with her old friends. You may want to look into other schools in the area if that is feasible, so she can get a new start.