Question:
Dr. Schwartzman,I have a real quick question for you. Long story short my 16 yr old daughter has gotten herself in to some trouble lately and she doesn't like "my" rules. So she will not come back home from her Dad's?! And he thinks I am "too strict" on her and she should be able to stay with him if thats what she chooses?! What do I do??
Thank you,
Lori
"struggling single Mom"
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Dr. Michael Schwartzman is a family therapist in New York City and the co-author of "The Anxious Parent". He answers:
Without being specific about what trouble she is having, what rules she is breaking and what you all mean by strict, I am not exactly sure how to address my answer. To clarify this ask yourself to think about her criticisms of you and ask yourself about her father's criticisms. What are their points and do they hold merit? Try to remember yourself at sixteen, and look around at other sixteen year olds and their parents. Compared to your sixteen year old self and the other people you know, is your daughter over the line? Are your rules too strict? Assuming the answer is no, you are just fine, I would ask for a meeting with someone familiar with your daughter. A guidance counselor, physician, clergy person, and use them as a sounding board. You don't have to be specific but use them as a voice of reality to get a sense of how you might approach your daughter. Try talking with her dad and reason through your ideas and concerns. This should spark some momentum and ideas and you could approach her for some discussion. If you are too strict think through how to make the same points but in a less controlling way. Make your point but not so harshly. On a more general level your relationship with your daughter is about much more than how she feels about your rules. Her father has no right keeping you apart, only making your communication better and helping each other to be more sensitive to what you are suggesting, or, on the other hand, missing and being too harsh about. He should not be protecting her from you. On the contrary, he should be bringing you together. If she is getting into trouble, and you are on it but she does not like it and he is using it to get closer to her it will only make things more difficult for her in the future. And if you are too harsh and she would come to be with you more if you weren't. Well, learn from what they are saying and change your approach. Having your daughter around will give you much more direct influence in her time of need.