Question:
My son lied to us about having a traffic ticket. He went on his own to a ticket attorney. We found out because we received in the mail a court date. How can we make him understand that it was really wrong to hide this from us? Will taking his driving privilege away help?Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Dr. Michael Schwartzman is a family therapist in New York City and the co-author of "The Anxious Parent". He answers:
Thinking about your question causes me to think of the idea that sometimes a child lying is a child attempting to be independant. And you are the one who knows your child. Did he lie because he needed to get himself out of this problem, seeing that he was the one who got himself into it? Did he take care of it properly so that the only issue left is to work out why he lied to you and what to do differently so there is no next time to the lying? A child, rather, a person, who gets a ticket, and everyone does, and then takes care of it is well on their way towards independance. They need to keep going in that direction but also, to feel completely resolved, face up to their parent and talk through what is going on. On the other hand, if your son is lying and has not resolved the ticket, then you have a different problem on your hands. Basically you have a child who is not up to the responsibility of driving a car. Of course you restrict the car until he shows you both what is going on with him and secondly what is up with his lying. You resolve both and set up a plan for how the car should be handled, and continue on with everyone talking it over as you go.