Question:
I'm a single mom who has gone through some very difficult financial problems this year. My daughter is 13 and aware of these difficulties. She has become angry and mean to me because I can not do for her like I use to. She is sad and depressed and I can't talk her out of it. I have talked and listened and begged and am ashamed to say screamed at her because I can't get through to her that everything we have been through is not the end of the world. I feel so much guilt because I know she blames me. She has even said she hates me. What do I do now???? It's almost Christmas and things get worse every day.Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Lisa Machoian, Ed.D. is the author of "The Disappearing Girl: Learning the Language of Teenage Depression", and a national expert on teenagers, their mental health, psychosocial development, and self-esteem. She answers:
It sounds like your daughter feels pressure from her peer group to fit in, or she feels implicit pressure and needs and wants material goods in order to be accepted, cool, and part of the group; this is very typical of young teens. If possible, I would try to point out to her what she does have. Can she name or write down one thing that she is grateful for having each day such as good health, friends, etc.? You can do the same. She needs to look at what she does have rather than what she doesn't have. You may want to suggest that she do some volunteer work with children or people who have less than her at a homeless shelter, an animal shelter, a shelter for battered women and their children, or volunteer at a hospital; activities such as these may help her see what she does have. Can she do some small job to earn some money to help her buy things she wants? Can she babysit, do yard work, keep a paper route?
Many of the girls I interviewed for my book and those I see in psychotherapy said they take out their anger on their mothers. It's not to say she isn't angry at you, but she may also be angry at the situation and you are the safest person to receive her anger to because you are her mom, and she know you will be there for her. So while it's hard, it also demonstrates that she does have a trusting relationship with you. Keep communicating with her and don't be too hard on yourself. Talk to your friends for your own support and well being. If you are concerned about her sadness and depression, please seek professional help for her.