Question:
I have an almost 15 yr old and his life is spinning out of control. He is ADHD and has anxiety issues. He has no concept of consequences for his actions. He lies to us and acts like he doesn't care about anything or anyone except his friends and himself. He also swears at us when he's mad. He just came home yesterday with a mohawk after telling me his friend's dad was going to cut it. Instead, another friend did it. I was livid after I saw it, but my husband really didn't respond to much. I feel he should have taken the clippers and shaved the rest of his head because he lied to us but my husband doesn't act like an authority figure.HELP
Answer:
ParentingTeensOnline expert Lisa Machoian, Ed.D. is the author of "The Disappearing Girl: Learning the Language of Teenage Depression", and a national expert on teenagers, their mental health, psychosocial development, and self-esteem. She answers:
First, you and your husband need to get aligned and on the same page about setting limits with your son. That is very important in parenting children of all ages. Your son needs to have consequences for breaking rules or acting out. It is important that teens know the consequences of their behavior before the consequence is set. In this case, he lied, so what is the consequence for lying? You and your husband need to decide and decide ahead of time, so that he knows if he lies, he will lose certain privileges or whatever consequence you decide on. There should be limits and consequences for swearing at you. If his ADHD and anxiety are interfering with his ability to cope, he needs to get professional help to learn how to manage stress and anxiety. Also, talking about how he is feeling would help because he is acting out, which is a form of communication. I think he also needs positive attention; he is getting negative attention by lying and getting a Mohawk (which certainly draws attention). He also may be looking for identity and self-expression. I also wonder about his peer group and friends. Does he have friends, does he do things to fit in with peers in order to belong and be accepted (ie. letting the friend give him a Mohawk)? If you set a limit, stick to it. Setting limits shows you care.