Your Past Can Serve As A Cautionary Tale
"Parents need to talk early and often," says Dr. Phillippe Cunningham, an associate professor at the Medical University of South Carolina. "Developmentally, teens need to know exactly what is expected of them."
Laura C., a mother of two teenage girls in Cleveland, Ohio, says that in her youth she had been politically active, protesting against the war in Vietnam and providing draft counseling for students who didn't want to serve in the Army. She frequently took part in anti-war demonstrations and marches, and took a drag of a joint whenever it was passed to her.
Her daughters never ask about her past, but they do flash knowing little grins whenever the subject of marijuana comes up, thanks to Laura's mother. During Thanksgiving dinner last year, the girls' grandmother turned to Laura and said, "You smoked a lot of pot in college, didn't you, darling?"
As far as Laura and her husband know, the girls have not taken that nugget of information as permission to try marijuana, and Laura doesn't feel that it's necessary for her to hide or drastically alter the truth of her past. But she doesn't believe she should tell her daughters everything, either.
Guidance counselor McGee would agree. "What I did at your age is not important," he would say to any teenager who asked about his past. "What you're doing now is."
Because Laura's older daughter, 17-year-old Eve, is reserved and "overly cautious," Laura tells her stories about her past to show her that it's okay to be a little daring and take a few risks. But her younger daughter, 14-year-old Gwen, is more of a daredevil and has had problems fitting in at school. For Gwen, Laura spins her "war stories" so that they paint her as kind of naive but lucky to have learned from her adventures without getting hurt.
If teens do act out, in an attempt to mimic or compete with their parents' past behaviors, Matt McGee advises parents to seek help sooner rather than later. Most families need "just a little adjustment" to get back on track. "A family's greatest strength is itself," he says.
If presented as an incentive to initiate discussion about a teen's problems, bringing up your rebellious past can serve a purpose as long as the teen understands that Mom's and Dad's stories of their wild times are cautionary tales, not permission slips to do the same.
Mason Lawrence 11/12/07
I wouldn’t tell my kids anything about my past – it’s amazing I got through it in one piece. I think it would forever change their view of me, and I just couldn’t bear to do that to them. I think the voice of authority comes out better when it’s not sitting on top of feet of clay.
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