MEET IN THE MIDDLE

Family get-togethers also help parents give teens some control while assuring they hear important messages. Though some families actually schedule formal "meetings" to talk about school, dating, family vacations, etc., most are just too busy. Some parents insist on family dinners, no matter how crazy the day has been. "We have a two-good/two-bad rule at our house," Sandy, a New Jersey mother of three reported. "Even if we're sitting down for pizza at 9PM, everyone at the table gets to report two good things and two bad things that happened to them during the day. It's harder with my highschooler, who's in plays and has evening rehearsals, but even he stops in just for the chat on his way out the door."

Sonny Elliott, family dynamics expert and author of Mom, Dad, Are You Listening?, sees family meetings as group lessons in communication. "The best way to get teens to listen is to [show them how] yourself," says Elliott. "[In this setting,] everyone listens and contributes, since both parties have chosen to take part." Each person has the chance to understand the other's position.

Understand that your teen's thought processes are changing and growing into the skills needed for adulthood. Accepting this transformation, however difficult, lessens tension and opens the discussion. Remember that listening requires being silent, which is pretty hard for young people with "attitude." But these skills may be difficult for you, as well. With a lot of patience and acknowledgement that you, too, shut out mom and dad at 15, you will probably be a little more tolerant of having the same behavior in your own house. Look ahead to the time when listening and talking will lead to negotiating, and better communication all around.

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Issue: December 2007