Getting a Handle on a Destructive Friendship
If you feel that your teen is hanging out with people who may be dramatically changing her values and ideals, talk with her about what’s going on. If you have concerns about online friendships, says Secor, first, discuss the fact that you feel you have to put a stop to them and then, if your child won’t end the relationship, lay down time restrictions and possibly consider parental controls on the computer. If your child insists on associating with a friend who appears to have real problems, you may want to talk with her guidance counselor or the school social worker.
Liz R. says she has found the few times she has had to intervene with a teen friendship, her teens have seemed relieved. “They need to trust that you’ll rein them in when they need it,” she says. But, says Diane G., sometimes it doesn’t take much. “Amazingly enough in our house, gentle suggestions of disapproval have usually been enough to steer my boys away from kids we didn't particularly want them around.”
Family is First; Peer Group Second
And the reason for this? Teens actually want their parents’ approval and care deeply about what they think! Chris Knoester, who researches teen behavior at Ohio State University says, “Parents have the ability to influence the friendship formations of their adolescent children.” Strong family values and plenty of time together give adolescents a foundation to choose positive friendships, says Knoester—who says at the end of the day, teens find friends who share values they already developed at home.
Most of the time, friends serve as a buffer to everything—bad and good—that goes on in a teen’s life. “Teens have a lot of pressure on them to be the best in school, sports, and life,” says Denise S. “I think Shane’s friends offer a diversion: the laughs he needs, the chance to share a sad moment.” He might not know it, but while he’s laughing and sharing, Shane’s friendships are helping him develop in ways that will likely affect his entire lifetime.