Q: I have a 17 year old daughter who has been feeling depressed lately. We have a good relationship, but I have a feeling that something is bothering her because she has been having trouble sleeping and eating. I have a very strong sense that she is currently having sexuality issues about whether or not she is straight. I don't know how to broach this subject with her. Could you please give me some advice? Thank you in advance.
Michael Schwartzman answers: Your instincts are probably on target, however, your daughter, given her age and need for privacy may be reluctant to share herself with you at this time. As she grows older, and becomes more comfortable with herself, she may need to separate and differentiate her own identity from yours and therefore, in a very natural way, you may actually help her more by supporting her efforts at talking to someone else. The most important point being that it is not so important that she talk to you as it is that she talk to someone you and she can both have confidence in. A trusted guidance counselor, or teacher. Even her physician. These people can stand in now when she may need to talk through some very confusing and worrisome issues. Start the dialogue by pointing out your awareness of her eating and sleep issues. Give her a chance to talk. If she does be especially non-judgmental. The curative act would be your listening and her talking. If she does not talk also be nonjudgmental. The important point is to steer her towards someone she can talk and think things through with. This can lead to next steps. When they say, "It takes a village to raise a child," this is what they mean.
Q: I'm a single mom who has gone through some very difficult financial problems this year. My daughter is 13 and aware of these difficulties. She has become angry and mean to me because I cannot do for her like I use to. She is sad and depressed and I can't talk her out of it. I have talked and listened and begged and am ashamed to say screamed at her because I can't get through to her that everything we have been through is not the end of the world. I feel so much guilt because I know she blames me. She has even said she hates me. What do I do now???? Things get worse every day.
Lisa Machoian answers: It sounds like your daughter feels pressure from her peer group to fit in, or she feels implicit pressure and needs and wants material goods in order to be accepted, cool, and part of the group; this is very typical of young teens. If possible, I would try to point out to her what she does have. Can she name or write down one thing that she is grateful for having each day such as good health, friends, etc.? You can do the same. She needs to look at what she does have rather than what she doesn't have. You may want to suggest that she do some volunteer work with children or people who have less than her at a homeless shelter, an animal shelter, a shelter for battered women and their children, or volunteer at a hospital; activities such as these may help her see what she does have. Can she do some small job to earn some money to help her buy things she wants? Can she babysit, do yard work, keep a paper route?
Many of the girls I interviewed for my book and those I see in psychotherapy said they take out their anger on their mothers. It's not to say she isn't angry at you, but she may also be angry at the situation and you are the safest person to receive her anger to because you are her mom, and she know you will be there for her. So while it's hard, it also demonstrates that she does have a trusting relationship with you. Keep communicating with her and don't be too hard on yourself. Talk to your friends for your own support and well being. If you are concerned about her sadness and depression, please seek professional help for her.
Q: Our 14-year-old son, Ben, is going through all the awful usual teenage stuff. A friend has said her son NEVER COMES OUT OF HIS BEDROOM when he is home and suggested we should let Ben be the same. Is this ok -- bit worried about ignoring him.
Donna Secor answers: Although teens clearly tend to spend more time in their rooms than other family members, "never coming out" is a definite red flag that needs the attention of parents. I would wonder what kinds of entertainment are available in the bedroom, such as video games, computer with Internet access, television, etc. If some or all of these are available, I would consider moving them to a common area such as a family room, in an effort to coax Ben out of his bedroom. Fourteen-year-olds need supervision of their Internet use and time limits on video gaming. In addition, you should insist that your son join you for most mealtimes, since eating together as a family has been shown to be very beneficial for healthy physical and emotional development in teens. Parents should strive for a balance that allows their teenager to have some privacy and time alone, but also keeps them involved with the family. Spending too much time alone is a risk factor for depression and other social and emotional problems.
One way to judge if your son is doing ok is to look at whether he is doing reasonably well in school, has at least some friends and is involved in one or more activities or interests outside of the home. If so, you probably shouldn't be too worried, if not, you might want to consult Ben's pediatrician, a school counselor or school social worker to discuss this situation further.