PUSHING = STRESS
It's natural to want your child to succeed, but what, exactly, qualifies as achievement? Too many of today's parents define it as a 2400 on the SATs*, a schedule full of AP classes, and extracurricular activities that take up every afternoon of the school week. Parents often dismiss the reality of the hours of homework this kind of academic load entails.
Does being class president, captain of the track team, and sole organizer of the school's clothing drive add up to a top college acceptance? No. All it guarantees is stress.
It's all too easy for parents to get over-involved in managing their high schooler's life. "The general tendency is to want to live through your child-the only form of time travel I know," says Michael Schwartzman, Ph.D., a psychoanalyst who works with adolescents in New York City and Larchmont, NY, and the author of The Anxious Parent. "There's a lot of potential for parents to overstep their boundaries."
"Forget the name-brands, forget the reputations in your area and social circles, and for goodness sake, throw the college rankings in the trash," says Alexandra Robbins, best-selling author of The Overachievers: The Secret Lives of Driven Kids.
LET YOUR TEENS DEFINE SUCCESS THEIR OWN WAY
"I feel like being the best comes from the standards that I set for myself," Kyle says. "I don't want anyone else to control how I perceive my success."
And Schwartman agrees: "Success is when a child feels good about both his choices and the outcomes."
Parents can be too quick to impose their way of doing things. However, it may be more helpful to let teens find out for themselves. It's not the grades they get, or the accolades they win, but rather, how satisfied they are with their performance and the rewards they get from doing their best.
Kyle's mother, Mindy, says, "We try to convey to our sons that academics are not their whole life; they should make time for friends, and pursue their own interests. What we ask is, ‘Given the gifts you have, have you applied them as best as you can?'"
Penny Hastings, CA 12/10/08
Nowhere is the pressure more extreme than on the student-athlete who is expected to excel in the classroom as well as on the playing field, plus doing community service and whatever else they can fit into their harried schedules. Alan Davids makes a very good point. It's hard not to pressure kids to succeed when the colleges themselves seem to want more and more from the student applicants. However, there are thousands of colleges and universities in the U.S. Most kids will get a sound education from just about any one of them. What makes such a pressure cooker for kids is that they (and their parents) want them to go to the most elite. In athletics, too many parents and kids feel that the NCAA Division I schools are best. Not so! They are perhaps the most sports competitive, but many other schools have excellent athletic programs and top-notch academics. Students (and their parents) should open up their searches and stop pressuring themselves (their kids) to strive for the most well-known or prestigious schools.
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