Reality Gap: Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex—What Parents Don’t Know and Teens Aren’t Telling is reprinted by permission with Union Square Press/Sterling Publishing.
The following excerpt, “Conspiracy of Silence,” is from Stephen Wallace’s critical common-sense guide for parents to help them bridge the gulf in understanding between themselves and their adolescent children. Wallace is Chairman and CEO of Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD).
When the easy, natural communication between us and our child has been replaced with quiet discomfort, the gulf between parent and teen widens quickly. We can feel her slipping away, drifting further and further from our ship. Our natural instinct is to keep throwing a lifeline to try to reel her back in. But that’s not always the best tactic. In fact, it may be time to let go a little—especially if old strategies are no longer working—and to develop new “rules of engagement” with teens who no longer embrace, and are unlikely to benefit from past patterns of interaction. This is the “holding on while letting go” I refer to in Chapter Four.
What You Can Do
Get Educated
First, learn as much as you can. Sign up for the anti-drug Parenting Tips newsletter, put out by ONDCP, or www.freevibe.com , for information and scientific evidence on drug and alcohol use by teens. Or, you can call the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information (NCADI) for free pamphlets and fact sheets. They’ll even send it in a plain envelope if you wish. They can be reached at 1-800-788-2800; Spanish: 1-877-746-3764 (24 hours, seven days a week). Or visit their Web site at www.health.org.
Information on a fuller range of teen behavior, including bullying, sex, and suicide, can be found at www.sadd.org .
Have the Talk—Let Them Know You Know
The next thing to do is to sit down and talk with your child. Be sure to have the conversation when you are all calm and have plenty of time. This isn’t an easy task—your feelings may range from anger to guilt that you have “failed” because your child is using drugs, for example. This isn’t true. By staying involved you can help her stop using and make choices that will make a positive difference in her life.