Preview of Essential Developmental Tasks

The ancient philosopher Plutarch said, “The mind is more a fire to be kindled than a vessel to be filled.” When thinking both about a child’s “first birth” –-from the mother’s womb—and this “second birth”—out of the womb of childhood and into the colder world of adulthood, we can gain from interpreting the science of a child’s early adolescent nature through Plutarch’s vision.

The pubertal adolescent’s life need not be filled with as many activities and stimuli as we may have thought—his or her mind is already quite stimulated from within. What the early adolescent needs is for the fire inside him or her to be kindled (directed) toward the kind of adaptations that will lead to meaningful lives.

• Help your child adapt and be flexible. Because every early adolescent will adapt in his or her own way to internal and social stimulation, your parental rules, your schedules, and your present assumptions about adolescence need to stay strong—and to adapt. You need to help your child adapt and learn from each failure and success in his or her myriad relationships. Your child needs to fight hard for new aspects of his or her nature to show through—and meanwhile to adapt to the loss of the childhood aspects of this nature.
• Permit self-esteem to rise and fall. Self-esteem rises and falls constantly during puberty. It’s okay for your child to become down; to get criticized by peers; for self-esteem to fall. As long as the child learns new skills, his or her self-esteem will rise again in the way and time that fits his or her particular fire.
• Increase the role of the father. The mother’s role is not necessarily diminished, but pubescent children with active fathers do better, in general, than those without them. Fathers have a certain way of caring for the fire inside a pubescent child. As life for the young adolescent gets more complicated, he or she may well need more father-nurturing. We can, I hope, all fight hard to make sure our pubescent children get fathering and male mentoring.

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Issue: September 2007