This month’s Parent-Speak is, “How I deal with my teen being rude to me.”
Yvonne I., Terre Haute, IN
“When my daughter turned 11, the eye-rolling began. I could tell her she looked nice, and she’d still roll her eyes! Heaven forbid I should ask her to set the table or walk the dog. I feel offended, not because she says anything particularly rude to me, but how she looks at me, like I should just go crawl in a hole somewhere and go jump in it. I have told her numerous times that I hate that look, but she says she can’t control her expressions and she has no idea what I’m talking about. I would love to hold a mirror up to her face the instant that look flashes across her face, but the next best thing is to make the face back at her. Mimicking her seems to be helping – she sees me do it and bursts out laughing, and that diffuses the situation. It’s not perfect but it’s okay for now.”
John L., Franklin, NH
“My wife and I don’t tolerate rudeness. When our son says something out of hand to either of us, we ask him to repeat it. (This worked with our older son, who is now at college, but we just started it with Sean.) The first few times I tried this, he mouthed off, but eventually, it worked. When I asked if he had finished his homework and he said, “What the hell do you think?” I asked him to repeat that. I said I wanted to be sure I got that right because maybe I was hard of hearing. If he had just said, “Yes, sir,” I would have heard him for sure. He repeated what he’d said, but with less conviction. The next time he tried it, I did the same thing. It took about two days. Now he speaks respectfully—and I have told him I’m glad to know my hearing is okay, too!”
Janelle S., Port Jervis, NY
“My 13-year-old daughter is most rude (very, very rude) when she has her period and is going through mood swings. I can tell the instant she starts talking back that it’s her time of the month. I have actually brought this up, and she completely denies that it has anything to do with her reactions to me. She is perfectly nice to her father and sister, but takes it all out on me, because, she says (rudely) I just ask for it. I know this sounds strange, but giving her more responsibility—looking after her younger siblings, getting to stay up later on weekends, etc.—seems to help a little. She sees that I don’t treat her like a baby, and respects that. We still do go through the, “Oh Mom you are dumber than a bag of hammers,” statements, but they seem less frequent.”
Deborah Mulka 12/03/08
Chick Moorman who wrote "The Parent Talk, Words that Empower, Words that Wound," says the parenting tool red light, green light would be the tool you may want to use in this situation.
When we want to change a child's behavior, not their personality or characteristics, we give the behavior we want to change a name.
This tool has three steps:
1. Name the child
2. Name the behavior you want to change
3. Tell the child this behavior doesn't work for you and add what you want to see or hear instead, Hence red light, green light.
So it sounds like this, I will use my daughter Taylor, who used to whine all the time when she wanted something instead of talking to me in a natural conversation.
Taylor (naming the child)
That's whinning (naming the behavior)
Whinning doesn't work for me. (Red Light). What works for me is when you talk to me in a calm voice just like I'm talking to you, that is the only way I can understand what you are trying to tell me or that you may get what you want. (Green Light).
So many times we tell our children what we want them to stop doing but don't include the information they need to process to do something else instead of the annoying behavior.
The most important piece is to use this tool each and every time you hear this behavior. What happens is the child finally understands they need to make a different choice of behavior. That is what it is going to take for them to get what they want.
Changes may happen overnight or it may take a few weeks or months. Two things happen; a child will make a different choice and they will use this skill in their everyday, work, and school life.
What a great way to help create confident, caring, young response-able adults!
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