Comments

• Deborah Mulka 12/03/08

  Chick Moorman who wrote "The Parent Talk, Words that Empower, Words that Wound," says the parenting tool red light, green light would be the tool you may want to use in this situation.
  When we want to change a child's behavior, not their personality or characteristics, we give the behavior we want to change a name.
  This tool has three steps:
  1. Name the child
  2. Name the behavior you want to change
  3. Tell the child this behavior doesn't work for you and add what you want to see or hear instead, Hence red light, green light.
  So it sounds like this, I will use my daughter Taylor, who used to whine all the time when she wanted something instead of talking to me in a natural conversation.
  Taylor (naming the child)
  That's whinning (naming the behavior)
  Whinning doesn't work for me. (Red Light). What works for me is when you talk to me in a calm voice just like I'm talking to you, that is the only way I can understand what you are trying to tell me or that you may get what you want. (Green Light).
  So many times we tell our children what we want them to stop doing but don't include the information they need to process to do something else instead of the annoying behavior.
  The most important piece is to use this tool each and every time you hear this behavior. What happens is the child finally understands they need to make a different choice of behavior. That is what it is going to take for them to get what they want.
  Changes may happen overnight or it may take a few weeks or months. Two things happen; a child will make a different choice and they will use this skill in their everyday, work, and school life.
  What a great way to help create confident, caring, young response-able adults!

• Linda Clark, King of Prussia, PA 10/08/08

  My step twins are 15 years old. They are the complete opposite of each other. Why my stepson is very resourceful and excellent in school and in sports, and helps me when asked, my stepdaughter asks my husband to kill me. I have been in their lives since they were five years old. Their mother died on drugs when they were a year old (although they don't know this...I will never tell them because it is definitely not my place to do that). Right now, to keep my sanity I am not even speaking to my stepdaughter. Every time I open my mouth, even when I am speaking with someone else, she comes up with the nastiest, most beligerent remarks that I have ever heard. When I ask her to stop she just provokes me more. I end up screaming and she tells my husband I'm nuts and that he should just kill me. Sometimes she even tells me to kill myself. I just thank goodness that, between my husband's family and mine, I have a lot of support. She was not like this when she was little. She was the sweetest thing. She was at the top of her class and was eager to do anything. When she got into high school, everything unravelled. Now she is sneaky and manipulative. When she's with my husband all she has to do is ask for something and he'll get it for her. She got too used to this. She thought he would let her slide through when she got 2 Fs and a borderline failing. In fact, when he punished her she couldn't figure out why she was punished and then she blamed everything on me. I figure if I don't talk to her, she can't make me blow up.

• dirk gently 09/13/08

  If someone took my cell phone, PSP and grounded me just for the way I spoke, I wouldn't exactly want to be polite to them. Your son's almost fully grown. Just accept that and live with him as he is.

• D.S. Dancer 08/14/08

  I am going through this problem with my 17 year old son. He is incredibly rude to me, but not to his father! He says that I should respect him but I I've told him that I have no respect for anybody who speaks to their mother like that! We have horrible arguments and it seems that they have gotten worse over the last few months. I have taken away his cell phone, PSP, and grounded him, but now he just seems even madder all the time and has even stopped saying Ma'am!! I am desperately searching for some answers or help because my son has always been a well mannered and respectful kid! But I don't know where this alien came from or how to get rid of it!!

• Tippi Carr, Chandler, AZ 04/24/08

  It is so nice to know that I am not the only one going through this. My daughter is also 13. She has not started menstruating yet. Friends keep on telling that it is her hormones. But her being disrespectful to me and others has been going on way too long. She argues with me about every little detail, Right down to trying to tell me what I am thinking and saying. She expects me to be there for her every beckon need.
  
  She is my youngest child, and she is going to put me into counseling just to that I can get through this.
  
  Thanks you all for your comments,

• Margaret Holm, Ithaca 04/11/08

  My daughter also has the "mouth". I have found that if I am a mirror for her...(let her know how her tone makes me feel and how she sounds to me) she will stop and try again in a respectful tone.
  I usually say "Honey, you sound like you can't stand me and and absolutely hate me by your tone and your words...is that really how you feel"? Usually, she is shocked that she is sounding that way to me. I find it to be pretty effective.
  

• lucy bold 04/07/08

  Sometimes my daughter acts really spoiled and mean. She will not help around the house, but criticizes and complains about her school lunches, meals and other things in a really rude way. Sometimes I tell her it's unacceptable; sometimes I yell back, when she persists and I'm tired or stressed.
  
  She recently went away with friends for the first time and one of the girls treated the group the way my daughter treats me. When she came home and told me about Maya's behavior, I hoped a light would go off - but no luck.
  
  The mean mouth is a bit better lately, but the relapses are not fun. The bright light is that my daughter behaves well towards others, so I'm hoping that she'll eventually be more considerate of me, too.
  
  But it's very hard to keep calm sometimes, when I'm angry and hurt by her, and just out of patience with her demands and complaints.

• Katie Leiva, Alexandria 04/03/08

  My stepdaughter is 18. Her parents were always pretty liberal with swear words in the house so it's a good thing that the kids have managed to learn what kind of language not to use with teachers and other adults. Still, I am not comfortable with it and it makes me feel like I live with the school bully - like I have to be "cool" and "tough" to have this teen's respect. I just don't get it. I try to watch my language even if it means using silly words instead of curse words (so that she sees me making that conscious choice - no matter who I'm with). My husband figures there's no way to change her now - so he avoids conflict and rarely calls her on her rude mouth (not just cursing, but just disrespectful tone, rolling of the eyes, not giving undivided attention when it's called for, etc.) Any advice for dealing with a teen who thinks she's an adult (because of the magic number 18?)

• Jillian Burdorff, Loveland, OH 04/02/08

  Our 11 year old daughter has just entered this "phase". My usual reaction is to ask her if she would talk like that to her teacher, or the Priest. When she says no, I ask why do you talk to me that way, then?
  It usually (yes, usually, not always) results in an apology and the request/remark made in a nicer tone.

• Anonymous 04/01/08

  I have found that sitting down to talk seriously about issues like this with my 13 year old daughter is the only way. Based on the teen obsession with fairness (to them!) I try to use this as a tool to get her to see that she is not being fair to me. I point out how she expects and demands me to be fair and respectful to her, and ask her if she really thinks her behavior is fair too. It takes patience as there are always several layers of resistance but eventually this seems to work pretty well.