Nicole M., Calumet, NH
“It’s a stage. But not a nice one. I think most kids talk nasty to their parents because they can. They think that talking back makes them their parents’ equal – and also, they see it all the time in movies and on TV. You have to stand up to it, take away privileges, ground them, whatever it takes. And then you have to praise them when they talk like they should. That’s the hard part.”
Mary K., Atlanta, GA
“I recently heard a casual acquaintance refer to "middle school mouth" and I thought that was appropriate—at least I hope it'll be over by the time my daughter's out of middle school! My son never went through this and my daughter knows better than to say rude things, but if the looks don't kill you, the tone will. I just tell her, "I won't accept you speaking rudely to me." This is usually followed by her heartfelt plea, usually in a rude tone, that she wasn't being rude. I really should tape her, but I haven't gotten around to it. Essentially, I just refuse to interact with her when she is being rude. So, if she wants something from me, she has to drop the tone and try again.”
Deborah Mulka 12/03/08
Chick Moorman who wrote "The Parent Talk, Words that Empower, Words that Wound," says the parenting tool red light, green light would be the tool you may want to use in this situation.
When we want to change a child's behavior, not their personality or characteristics, we give the behavior we want to change a name.
This tool has three steps:
1. Name the child
2. Name the behavior you want to change
3. Tell the child this behavior doesn't work for you and add what you want to see or hear instead, Hence red light, green light.
So it sounds like this, I will use my daughter Taylor, who used to whine all the time when she wanted something instead of talking to me in a natural conversation.
Taylor (naming the child)
That's whinning (naming the behavior)
Whinning doesn't work for me. (Red Light). What works for me is when you talk to me in a calm voice just like I'm talking to you, that is the only way I can understand what you are trying to tell me or that you may get what you want. (Green Light).
So many times we tell our children what we want them to stop doing but don't include the information they need to process to do something else instead of the annoying behavior.
The most important piece is to use this tool each and every time you hear this behavior. What happens is the child finally understands they need to make a different choice of behavior. That is what it is going to take for them to get what they want.
Changes may happen overnight or it may take a few weeks or months. Two things happen; a child will make a different choice and they will use this skill in their everyday, work, and school life.
What a great way to help create confident, caring, young response-able adults!
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