Special February Hot Topic:
Helicoptering
When a Missouri teen committed suicide over a conflict with her new “boyfriend” on MySpace, it was quickly revealed that the whole thing was a hoax, perpetrated by none other than the mother of a rival from her middle school. There was no boy at all… just a construct on the part of a cruel girl, and perhaps her mother, wanting revenge. The mother, Lori Drew, has since claimed innocence.
The Meier-Drew case was extreme and terrible. But there are many parents of teens who are too involved with their kids’ lives. Helicoptering—or hovering—is more and more common, and it is not unusual for middle-or high-school kids to have their parents on top of them all the time. There are moms who are at school harassing teachers and the administration when grades are not up to expectations. There are dads who can’t stay away from team practice, and want to tell the coach (and their kid) how to run the show. And there are also parents who insist on being BFFs (Best Friends Forever) with their teens.
Most helicoptering parents are not acting like vindictive children but rather trying to protect their own from the lumps and bumps of the real world by butting in and taking charge. They don’t realize how seriously they may be hampering their teens’ development by overseeing their childrens’ lives in ways that may stunt them.
Think about your own interactions with your teens—clearly, you want to be involved in their lives; you want to know who their friends are and what their passions and interests are all about. But how close do you want to be? How much input should you really have?
You need to know how your teen is doing in school, but if you do the homework or make the teacher change grades, how will your teen ever make it when she faces the challenges of the real world?
You clearly care whether your teen is selected for a team or getting his best advantages as a team member, but it’s simply not fair to lobby with the coach for better placement or easier training. Suppose, just suppose, your child is really NOT the MVP of the team?
You need to know who your teen is friendly with, but you don’t have to hang out with your teens’ friends. You are the adult; your teen is the kid. Stick to your own kind. Not being one of the gang will undoubtedly make you a better parent.
The remedy—short and sweet—get a life! You need to be a parent, but you also need your teen to become a person, all by him or herself.