Your 8th grader blasts a glare and snarls at the balanced breakfast you kindly serve before school. Your sophomore pushes the snooze button twice and ignores three wake-up calls from you, misses the bus, and demands you drive her to school. Your junior has broken his curfew for the second time in 10 days. Your 6th grader recoils in horror when she sees you waiting inside the school to pick her up for an orthodontist appointment. Your 7th grader uses a phrase and a tone that would make a drill sergeant blush. What do you dosat that very moment?
Solutions You Can Use
Do the opposite of what you would normally do. If you normally display an instant reaction, leave the room silently. If you typically become incensed and feel assaulted, go for a walk or go fold laundry. If you normally walk away, however, make a clear, brief, controlled statement to the effect that you find the behavior unacceptable and you will address the problem at your convenience.
Above all, remind yourself that your child's lashing out is part of a normal developmental stage in his/her growth to becoming a separate individual. Unfortunately, these behavioral difficulties usually occur with the person that he/she trusts the most.
Address and defuse; don't accuse and escalate. When it's time to deal with the problem, set the stage for further discussion with statements such as:
"When you speak to me like that, I no longer feel like... taking you to the mall... buying you those CDs... paying for guitar lessons."
BUT: Make sure you don't give in and take her to the mall and pull out your credit card, anyway.
"When you break an agreement we have made, it makes me think you are not responsible enough to... use the car... do homework at your friend's... babysit for extra spending money."
BUT: First think about what alternative arrangements are possible as far as the car, the homework, or work responsibilities are concerned. Get back to your child with the new parameters, to be in place until he convinces you of improved responsibility.
"It's not like you to be so disrespectful. Can you tell me why you did that?"
BUT: Listen attentively to the reply and see if the answer is a launching pad to an important discussion of issues lurking beneath the surface.