‘A Letter to Mothers and Daughters’
Reprinted from Unhooked by Laura Sessions Stepp by arrangement with Riverhead Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA), Inc., Copyright (c) 2007 by Laura Sessions Stepp.
[The following excerpt is from Laura Sessions Stepp’s important new book about sexual decision-making in young women. Stepp urges mothers to send the following messages to their daughters.]
Dear Daughters,
They say that parents grow up with their children. Observing your life and loves has forced me to think about my life and loves, and I thank you for that opportunity.
Some of these thoughts are mine alone, but most of them reflect what you have taught me about how you wish to relate to intimate others, even if your daily behaviors occasionally suggested otherwise.
Loving Yourself
A guy can make you feel valuable, but it’s not the guy who makes you valuable.
On the outside you may look like you could take on the world. But you and I know that on many days you feel pretty ordinary, and that’s when you’re vulnerable to doing things that whittle away at your self-confidence.
Avoid hookups. They’ll make you feel more ordinary than you already feel—and look more ordinary to the guy you set your sights on. The more confident you become, independent of love, the more confident you will be in love.
Don’t let them have what you’ve got until you, and they, know who you are.
Your body is your property. No one has a right to enter unless you welcome them in. Think about the first home you hope to own. You wouldn’t want someone to throw a rock through the front window, would you? Is your body worth less than a house?
Explore your feminine side beyond the black lace bra.
Would you like a guy to open the door for you or invite you to dinner? Seek out someone who will do that. Ask him how he feels playing the gallant and show him how much you appreciate it by offering a genuine “Thank you” in return.
Admit it, the bar scene is a guy thing.
Tying one on can be fun occasionally. Just don’t let it take over your social life. Organize weekend getaways and other events to bring people together. Bake cookies, brownies, muffins. Guys will do anything for homemade baked goods.
Loving Another Well
Love won’t change you; it will just make you more of who you are.
Do not be afraid of your need to love. It is hardwired, improving our species’ chance for survival. Loving another makes you more giving, more relaxed and more adventurous. In a good relationship, you like who you both are when you’re together—and who you are both becoming.
Lust is not love, although it can feel like it.
Is sex what you want? Or is it a means to a relationship? If the latter, rethink the order of things. Anyone can get laid, but only a few will get laid and loved the first time.
07/13/07
I can’t believe that kids are doing this. Really. Although I know high school students’ hormones are raging, they just don’t have the privacy to have sex all the time. I hope parents will just talk to their kids, rather than reading a book about sexual trends.
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