Q; My 16 year old son recently was arrested for trying to sell a controlled substance (Tylenol # 3). He is on probation for 6 months. I also know that he is sneaking and smoking. I plan on him taking Freedom From Smoking classes next week. My question is how can I learn to trust him? And, what did I do wrong in raising him? Our family does not smoke, do drugs and only occasionally has a drink. This is not how I want my son to be. I just want for him to make good decisions and I want to trust him again.
A: Your son is clearly in need of intervention as the choices he is making are putting him at risk. It may seem counter-intuitive, but being arrested could turn out to be a very lucky break for him, and for you. When young people are selling drugs, they are often using them as well. And while drug use among teens is trending downward for more traditional types of drugs, such as marijuana, it is trending upwards in other areas, such as prescription drugs (use of Oxycontin by young people increased 30 percent between 2002 and 2007, according to Monitoring the Future). Many over-the-counter drugs are also being abused, including cold and pain remedies.
As to your specific questions, my guess is that you did nothing wrong! Sixteen-year-olds make many choices over which we may have influence but little control. And young people have told me through SADD's Teens Today research that they use drugs for many reasons, such as "To have fun" (46 percent), "To forget or escape problems" (43 percent), and "To fit in with friends who use drugs" (33 percent).
The important thing is not assigning blame but rather figuring out the motivation behind the behavior and looking for ways to change it. As for trust, it is generally a long, slow journey to fully re-gain trust when those we love, including our children, violate it. Part of that journey has to do with your son accepting responsibility for his actions, accepting the consequences, and committing to live by family rules. If it's any consolation, you're not alone: according to Teens Today, while 95 percent of parents say they trust their teens in making decisions about drugs, only 28 percent of teens report being completely honest with parents on the issue. And that says nothing of the often elaborate steps they will take to conceal, not just lie about, their drug use.
Continue to monitor your son, paying close attention to his friends, his emotional states (such as anxiety, stress, and depression) and behaviors. He is lucky to have an active, involved parent.
Q: My son is 16 and he and his friends are starting to experiment with alcohol use - some times playing drinking games. He shared with me the friends, game and amount of alcohol that was present at a recent get together. He did not drive himself home, but had a friend who was not drinking do the driving. I am struggling to know how to keep this open and honest dialogue but still lay down a consequence for the underaged drinking. In addition, I know the parents and house where the drinking took place. Do I tell them about this? Won't that just put my son in the position to not share with me in the future? I am very torn with how to handle this - Please help!!!
A: You raise a great issue that concerns many parents: how do I establish and enforce appropriate ground rules and still keep open lines of communication with my kid? First off, teens want to know what the rules are and, believe it or not, want to be held accountable for breaking them. Talk with your son, establish expectations (no drinking, for example) and work together to decide what will be the consequence for doing so. Knowing that ahead of time will make it more likely he will avoid alcohol and less likely that he will "shut down" if he does drink and you punish him. Second, as you know drinking at age 16 is a bad idea. There are all kinds of dangers involved, and impaired driving is only one of them. For example, alcohol use by teens affects still-developing cognitive abilities and impairs memory and learning and teens who drink are more likely to commit or be the victim of violence (including sexual assault) and to experience depression and suicidal thoughts. Plus, we know that the earlier one starts to drink the more likely it is that he will experience problems with alcohol later in life. Finally, I do believe you need to find a way to let your son's friend's parents know what is going on in their house. Authorities may hold them responsible even if they are unaware because "they should have known." As an aside, according to SADD's Teens Today research, many parents believe that their teen "will drink no matter what" (53 percent) and thus allow them to drink at home believing that will make it less likely they will be off drinking with their friends. The data say just the opposite: more than half (57 percent) of high school teens who report their parents allow them to drink at home, even just on special occasions, say they drink with their friends, as compared to just 14 percent of teens who say their parents don't let them drink. Underage drinking in America is epidemic and requires the full attention of parents. So, good for you!