Stephen Wallace, M.S. Ed. is Chairman and CEO of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decision.) Mr. Wallace serves as president of Summit Communications Management Corporation located in Boston. He has broad experience as a psychologist and counselor; he has held positions in school-based psychological services departments in Florida and Massachusetts and the adolescent psychiatric unit of Fair Oaks Hospital in Summit, New Jersey. He is the author of the recently published, Reality Gap: Protecting Teens in a Changing World.
Q: My daughter (14) has been really happy at her new school – we moved last spring and she has adjusted well. I have noticed that she is dressing differently (a lot more black), wears perfume (she never did before), listens to different music, and doesn’t like me to come in her room. Is this just normal teen behavior or is she hiding something? I wonder if she might be covering up the smell of grass with the perfume. What do you think?
A: You must be pleased that your daughter has adjusted well to her new town and school. I know from personal experience that moving at age 14 can be tough. Of course, changes in behavior, including seeking more independence and privacy, are normal during adolescence and generally reflect healthy steps in personal development. However, what you describe raises some red flags. Wanting more independence and privacy does not square with excluding you from her room and, while there’s nothing wrong with black clothing or perfume, you are right to be wary … and vigilant!
SADD’s Teens Today research shows that there is a spike in drug use between the 8th and 9th grades and while 95 percent of parents say they trust their teens in making decisions about drugs, only 28 percent of teens report being completely honest with parents on the issue. And that says nothing of the often-elaborate steps teens will take to conceal, not just lie about, their drug use.
On the other hand, there are many young people who don’t use drugs! They are more likely than those who do to report that they have a close relationship with their parents and to say that their parents exercise a lot of "control" over various aspects of their lives, including where they go, what they do, and whom they are with. They also report that the most effective ways to steer them away from drugs are perhaps the simplest: discuss the dangers and explain the expectations.
Indeed, teens who have open and honest communication with their parents are more likely to avoid drugs, to try to live up to their parents’ expectations regarding drug use, and to say that their parents’ methods of keeping them away from drugs are effective. These teens also report that they are less likely to use drugs when their parents make clear that such behavior won’t be tolerated.
Breaking the ice – and receiving honest answers – on these hard to talk about topics is a considerable challenge for the parents of most teenagers. But we know it’s worth the effort. Here are five quick tips to get started:
Talk at a time that’s convenient for both of you
Express your desire to hear your daughter’s point of view
Communicate your wish to relate to one another
Listen carefully
Establish your expectations for your daughter and explain what the consequences will be for violating family rules
Q: I am sure my son (16) and his friends are stealing from our liquor cabinet and filling up the bottles with water. I have confronted him but he swears he doesn’t drink. I am really mad for two reasons – 1. I think he’s lying and 2. I can taste a difference in the gin, vodka, and rum I paid good money for. What should I do?
A: With 63 percent of middle and high school students reporting that they have consumed alcohol we have an epidemic of underage drinking on our hands. And it sounds like your son may be a part of the problem. Your frustration that he is breaking your rules, lying about it, and diluting your alcohol is understandable.
A logical first step is to lock your liquor cabinet! Next, you may want to try discussing, not confronting, the issue of alcohol use when you are both calm and can talk in an open, casual way. You can bet that your son, at age 16, is feeling pressure to drink and is likely influenced by his friends, the examples that adults set, and the media. Talking about the risks associated with underage drinking can can help him sort through the decisions he has to make on a regular basis. Those risks are physical (teenage brains are going through a massive reorganization and alcohol use can actually change the way the brain processes information), social (many teens do things under the influence of alcohol, such as having sex or getting into fights with friends, that they later say they regret) and, of course, legal.
Teens themselves say that there are some simple things that parents can do to make it less likely they will drink alcohol, including:
Staying up at night until they return home
Limiting overnights with friends
Calling friends’ homes to make sure there will be parental supervision
Establishing and enforcing rules