Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. is a practicing clinical psychologist who has been seeing children and adolescents for thirty years. He is the author of six parenting books including the best selling, "'Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?' A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager." He is married and the father of two ex-teenagers.
Q: My daughter (16) is always trying to press my buttons - staying out beyond curfew, playing her music really loud when we are trying to go to sleep at night. Any ideas on how I can not get mad but just get some cooperation?
A: Usually when teenagers behave in ways that we do not like, it is not done intentionally to get to us. Usually it is because they are doing what they want to do and can be very inconsiderate. Always the best strategy is to confront her every time, and let her know that what she is doing is unacceptable, but not getting into a lengthy argument. What immediately starts to work against you is if you get into lecturing her about how inconsiderate she is, getting her to understand how what she is doing is wrong. All that ever accomplishes is her then blaming you for being mean instead of looking at her own behavior. You’re confronting her every time but not arguing will have an effect. She will play the music less loudly – some of the time. She will do better about her curfew – some of the time. But the fact is that parent control of willful teenagers is usually imperfect, but control is there, and it would be too bad if you gave up because you felt you were having no effect. You do.
Q: I raised my two sons (now 14 and 18) on my own, and though I have tried not to bad-mouth their father, they have a pretty distant relationship with him. I've recently started dating a man I really like, but haven't introduced my sons to him yet. Do you have any suggestions on how to ease this meeting for the boys?
A: The general rule is that you want to be as straightforward and honest as possible. Assuming that they know you are dating – if not, let them know – set up a time for them to meet. Give the boys some notice and work out a time where you can all be together – going out for a meal or having a meal at your house is often good. It should not be too long, an hour – two at the most – where they can meet but are not being forced to spend too much time together. The meeting is not so much to sell your friend to your boys, but rather just that they get to meet and spend a little time in each other’s company. So long as you do not rush the boys into initially having your friend being around a lot, it should go smoothly. As they do not have much of a relationship with their father, their concerns about his feelings about you dating will probably not be much of a factor. Most teenagers do not mind that their parents date so long as it doesn’t impinge on their getting to do what they want.